Ulquiorra Does the States
by Caje Sukarije
Summary: Ulquiorra is sent on his most dangerous mission to date. Why does Aizen want him to face the wild wild Western Hemisphere? And why is he so afraid of bikinis? Crack!fic. Ch. 2 up. Rating set to increase. R&R!
1. PROLOGUE

**A/N: **Haha, has anyone noticed just how flexible Ulquiorra is for crack!stories? He's just too fun. Well, this is going to be a crack!epic based on his exploits. Poor little emo kid. So mistreated... and yet he is loved.

**Disclaimer: **Kubo Tite-sensei owns the characters, and I, only the crack storyline.

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**ULQUIORRA DOES THE STATES**

**PROLOGUE**

"Ulquiorra, my precious, my dear little dumpling," Aizen-sama purred, sitting on his throne while his most prized Espada bowed obediently before him. "You have been in my service the longest of any of the Espada, is that not correct?"

"Hai," Ulquiorra replied, reminded of the past few joyous months he had spent serving his lord and master. Had he been born with tear ducts, he surely would have cried at the beauty of it all.

"And you are my most reliable and trustworthy agent, are you not?"

"Hai, Aizen-sama." The prospect of such recognition from his creator was almost too much for his easily excited bladder to bear. What daring and difficult mission would Aizen-sama be sending him on this time? Would it be the retrieval of the Spirit King or an assassination? Wild fantasies whirled through the depressed Espada's mind.

"That is why, my darling, I fear I will have to terminate your run in Hueco Mundo."

"Oh, Aizen-sama, that's—nani?" Ulquiorra droned in almost-surprise. "T-terminate me? Have I erred, sir?"

"No, no. I just feel you belong in a better place."

"Please, Aizen-sama, the best place for me is by your side. You are the air I breathe, the very fuel for my…"

"Ulquiorra, I do not think you understand. There is a very important mission I would like you to undertake, and it is with a heavy heart that I tell you this, for I fear you may never return."

Ulquiorra's left eye popped out of his head with anxiety. He picked it up from the floor, dusting it off and reinserting it. What did he mean? Was Aizen-sama sending him to a war zone? To be mutilated and tested on?

"My lord, where would you wish me to go?"

"Come closer, my cherished one."

Ulquiorra shuffled over, head still bowed, and Aizen-sama whispered the plans into his ear. Ulquiorra was so shocked, his eye fell from his face once more, only to be caught by Aizen-sama. With a heavy sigh, he withdrew and bowed even lower.

"I see, Aizen-sama. I will do my best to serve you, as I always have. Please excuse me whilst I go to repair my eye socket." At Aizen-sama's dismissal, Ulquiorra trudged away to his room, a new feeling overtaking his body. Dread.

"So what did the boss want with you?" Noitora asked, standing in Ulquiorra's doorway while the first Espada mournfully packed his extra outfits into a white box. "You going away?"

"I'm being sent on an important, dangerous mission," Ulquiorra replied severely, picking up a pot of blue makeup.

"Oh? You mean he's going to execute you?"

"Are you out of your mind? I'm his greatest creation, he wouldn't. Besides, this trip is going to be death defying."

Noitora didn't seem convinced, and instead rolled his visible eye. "So where are you going, then?"

"Out of the country. Out of the continent."

"Soul Society?"

"Pshaw. As if. Honestly, Noitora, you're so lame. I'm going to... to... the U-U-United..." He couldn't get the words out, the idea was too frightening to bear.

"United Kingdom?"

"All I can say is there are a lot of Urahara Kisuke types. And women in disgustingly indecent swimming outfits. And fake tans." Ulquiorra shuddered.

Noitora shrugged. "Have fun, man. I'll take good care of Pet-sama."

"Oh. About that. Stay away, per Aizen-sama's order. Only Wonderwice is to be allowed in."

"Why?"

"Because the rest of you are disgusting.

But even if all of you are trash, specially that Yammy, I'm going to miss you," Ulquiorra muttered.

Noitora squinted. Ulquiorra gave him a not-so-cold-anymore glare and, replacing his newly cleaned eye, dragged his feet past him, holding his box. "America, here I come," he whispered to himself.

"Damn, you're really serious," Noitora hissed in disbelief. Shaking his head, he turned and went down two doors to his own chamber.

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How will poor Ulquiorra cope with the scantily-clad beach girls (and worse: beach boys!)?! Will he be forced to kill when he reaches America? Stay tuned! 


	2. HURT

**A/N:** Welcome to more randomly cracktacular Ulquiorra humiliation! Featuring falling facial features and bad deep south accents! Prepare! (And yes, there is a reason he speaks English. But you don't deserve to know just yet.)

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**HURT**

Ulquiorra stepped off the alleged "aeorplane" and took in a breath of less-stale air. Finally, after so many hours cramped onboard with humans, he had reached his destination: Houston, Texas. Now, normally he would not have put up with these conditions, preferring to rip through a garganta, but Aizen-sama had stressed the importance of living as a human in a gigai. For his master's favour alone, he now stalked through the "airport", handbag over one shoulder and full airsick bag in the corresponding hand.

"Customs," he muttered, searching for the sign. He spotted it to the left of the terminal and dragged his feet over. The bullish man in a cowboy hat who manned the counter eyed him suspiciously.

"Passport," he said in a sticky southern drawl. Ulquiorra produced the booklet which Zael had so lovingly compiled for him (after about three direct threats from Aizen-sama). The officer studied the picture for a full minute before speaking again.

"Mr... Urkel Aizen?" he grunted.

"Ulquiorra," the Espada corrected in a monotone.

"Whatever. This isn't you."

"Of course it is." Well, it was true! Granted, this was a photograph he had stolen from his mother's wallet not long ago while she held a cocktail party, but it was definitely him... just less dead.

"You ain't got no tears in this picture."

"Nonsense," he droned. "You just can't see them."

"And would you please remove yer hat?"

"This?" asked Ulquiorra, indicating the remnants of his mask. "I'm afraid you can't remove it."

"What do you have in your carry-on?" the officer asked with narrowed eyes.

"My zanpakutou."

"And what's that?"

"Something I use to kill people. It's a sword."

The man jumped back and fingered a black object on his collar. "We have a situation at international arrivals," he said. "Subject is armed and dangerous. Possible drug user!"

Ulquiorra rolled his eyes. What was the harm of carrying a defensive weapon? He was so tempted to fire cero but did not want to destroy the delicate sleeves of his human dress shirt. He was accosted in an instant anyway, but four men in visored helmets, wearing armour and holding large human weaponry.

"Freeze, bitch!" cried one. "We be haulin' your ass to the can!"

Ulquiorra sighed deeply. The word "CERO" echoed through his mind demandingly. He followed the men quietly, severely limited by his wretched gigai. They dragged him into a sterile white room and slammed his bag down on the table. One angry fellow unzipped it and looked inside.

"Nothing," he muttered. Ah, naturally, such trashy souls would never see his marvellous zanpakutou.

"Look, Elquiere," said a portly man. "Take off yer shit."

"Ulquiorra," the Arrancar murmured. He complied, however, per Aizen-sama's orders to act natural. All that remained were his mask and a charm anklet fashioned of broken masks by Wonderweiss. He stood completely naked, otherwise.

"Take off the helmet."

"I can't."

The tallest of the men grabbed the edges of his mask and pulled, only annoying Ulquiorra and accomplishing little else. "Damn, this shit's fused to his skull or somethin'!"

Ulquiorra bristled and reached two fingers under the front edge to scratch his sweating scalp. A man yelped at how easily the mask moved and the portly one slipped on a glove.

"Now then, Orchid," he said, flashing his teeth, "bend down."

"It's Ulquiorra and what..."

Ulquiorra never finished his question, but it was answered so shockingly a moment later that his eye fell from its socket. "Aizen-sama," he croaked, "I die!"

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**Poorly written preview:**

**What's happening to poor Ulquy? WHO WILL SAVE HIS SOUL? Find out next time!**


End file.
